Jeremiah 29:11

I know these words are true, but here I sit, writing the blog I hoped I would never have to write.  Thinking I should sensor it, but knowing people need to know the truth about the struggle with infertility.  I know my God has a greater plan for us, but that doesn't make the heartache any less.  That doesn't erase the conversation I had with our nurse Friday afternoon.  

"Hi Krystal, how are you?"  "I'm good!  How are you?"  "Well, sweetheart, I would be better if I had good news for you.  Unfortunately, your test results were negative."

Negative.  Normally you want negative test results from the doctor.  But not with in vitro.  Not when you felt you were so close to your dreams finally coming true. Not after...

• 4 years
• $18,000 out of pocket for medical expenses
• 30+ doctor visits
• 5 different doctor's offices
• 2100+ miles driven back and forth
• 2 surgeries prior IVF
• 20+ tubes of blood
• 5 IV's
• 42 injections (shots) in less than two months
• 91 pills in less than two months

Two months 24/7 dedication and work towards your dream.  So many shots, pills, needles, doctors visits, hopes, prayers, talks of our future.  For 10 days, I placed my hand on my belly and cheered those two embryos on.  For 10 days, I had to hope and assume I was pregnant.  For 10 days, I was the closest to being pregnant I've ever been.  Not knowing those little embryos never made it.  None of our little embryos survived this battle.  But we were so hopeful.  Lists of baby names.  A Pinterest board full of nursery ideas.  "Oh my gosh, what if both embryos take and we have twins?!", we would say with a laugh.  Endless dreams of holding our newborn for the very first time, wondering who they look more like.  The excitement and anticipation shopping for baby's first Christmas, waiting for their first words, imagining what their little laugh would sound like.  Favorite foods, first steps, tiny hands in ours, family vacations making memories and full of laughter, dirty messes completely worth it, toys all over the living room floor, bedtime stories, first day of kindergarten pictures, more smiles and laughter and love than we could ever imagine.  All torn away again.  With that one simple word.  Negative.  I had imagined that phone call from our doctor's office a hundred times.  And that's not how I imagined it would go.

My heart is broken.  I know God has a plan.  But that doesn't make me any less sad.  That didn't stop me from sobbing in the shower asking God "But I thought you were for me?"  I know He has a plan.  I know He is for me.  But still, I'm sad.  Still, I'm mad.  I'm ashamed that I can't do the one thing that all women should be able to do.  And I'm hurting for those that have had to hear that word over and over again.  These women are superheroes to bear that kind of pain and keep going.  Two weeks ago I was in so much pain, I thought, I could never do this again.  But now, I know I could.  Because I may have to.  

But right now, I'm grieving for our loss.  That's what infertility is.  It's the loss of a dream.  It's the loss of a future.  It's the loss of a sweet little child, that every day you wonder how you can already have so much love for something that's never even existed for you.  And then it dies.  Over and over again.  And your heart breaks.  Over and over again.  And you become jaded and bitter.  And you get angry and jealous because it seems every one in the world can have children but you.  By now, your friends haven't just had one child during your struggle, but they've had two or three.  And you're so incredibly happy for them, but at the same time, it's just a gut wrenching reminder of what you don't have and what you can't do.  And the adoption process is long and expensive and difficult.  And you've received numerous advice from non-professionals as to what you should and shouldn't do and try.  And you've heard plenty of comments that God doesn't agree with in vitro.  And you see the news of babies being murdered, abortions happening every minute, unfit mothers having a dozen babies they don't even want, and you can't even have one.  It's infuriating.  But above all, it's heartbreaking.  Completely, utterly, devastatingly heartbreaking.

But, I know He has a plan, specifically designed and laid out for us.  I have to believe this.  So while we grieve, while we struggle to understand something we'll probably never understand, and while we wait, I'll put my faith in that.  Because at this point, we're exhausted physically, emotionally, and financially, so we really don't have any other choice.  This isn't the end of our journey, apparently it's only the beginning.

Embryo Transfer Day: Hope & Heartbreak.

Tuesday, July 15th- Embryo Transfer Day.  We woke up happy, positive, relaxed, and had delicious cinnamon rolls for breakfast.  All smiles.  It's a weird mix of emotions when you're trying to create a pregnancy, as opposed to one happening naturally.  Everything you do is building up to that moment.  You have that exact moment of creation scheduled in as an appointment on your calendar.  You think- this could be the last time I cook breakfast unpregnant.  This could be the last time I do my makeup unpregnant.  We were in such a good mood on the way to the doctor's office, much more excited than nervous.

We got there about 20 minutes early, and they went ahead and called us back.  Because I'm still sore, swollen, and bloated, Dr. Saleh performed a sonogram on me first to check my ovaries for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.  This is where the ovaries continue to over produce (even though you've already done the egg retrieval and stopped the stimulation medications) and this can cause severe pain, swelling, bloating, and the need for a surgery to drain the ovaries and abdomen.  The sonogram showed that my ovaries are still producing many eggs and are slightly enlarged, but at this moment, not a major cause for concern.  He informed us to pay close attention over the next couple of weeks, and contact them if the bloating and swelling and soreness doesn't stop.  So now, instead of praying for my ovaries to produce lots of eggs, we've completely changed directions and we're now praying for them to stop producing eggs.

Next, I change into the hospital gown and crawl onto the bed to wait.  The lab technician comes out and she's got two little pictures in her hand of two "beautiful" embryos.  These are the two embryos we'll be implanting.  Then, her expression saddens.  And here comes the heartbreak...  

No other embryos grew strong enough to make it to freezing quality.  This is all we have.  These two are our only chance.  

The rest of the group of 6 never made it to day 5.  Our feelings immediately change from hope to heartbreak.  Without any embryos to freeze, if this doesn't work, we'll have to pay another $13,000 and go through the WHOLE process all over again.  At this point, my body is weak, my ovaries are swollen and constantly in pain, I'm exhausted, and we've exhausted our IVF fund that we saved up for years.  My heart is broken.  I should be hopeful and positive and happy and not stressed, but my heart is broken.  If this doesn't work, we financially and possibly physically can't go through this again for another couple of years or even have enough money to be able to adopt.  This could very well be our one and only chance at becoming parents.  It's a very humbling, weakening, sickening wave of emotions when you're told this.  We thought, if this doesn't work the first time, we'll have a few more tries with the frozen ones.  Not a big deal.  But now, we no longer have that option to fall back on.  We're on the edge, and we're jumping in, all or nothing.  And that's it.

After this horrible news, they bring us back into the little operating room, and Dr. Saleh runs a small catheter to my uterus.  He tells me to relax.  I WAS relaxed.  Now I just want to cry over the loss of all my little embryos we have worked so incredibly hard to make.  Within a few minutes, he shows us the little white dot in the center of the ultrasound.  "That's your two beautiful embryos."  Implanted in my uterus.  And within about 5 minutes, it was done.

They slid me over onto a bed and rolled me into a little room to lay still with my knees bent for the next 20 minutes.  This was the longest 20 minutes of my life.  I want to be excited and happy and positive- everything I thought we would be at this moment.  But I'm devastated that this is our only shot.  Justin doesn't say anything (which is extremely rare for Justin), and I know he's devastated too.  He's trying to be strong and positive for me, but inside, I know we both wanted to break down and cry.  So I just laid there.  With my hand over my face, my knees bent, my eyes squeezed shut so no tears could fall out, and... this is silly, and I have no idea why this is the song that popped in my head at this very moment... but I laid there and in my mind, went through the entire song of O' Victory in Jesus.  It was all I could do to keep from falling apart when I'm supposed to be so stress-free and happy.  Finally, the nurse came back and told me I could use the restroom and get dressed and we were free to go.  Now, we go home and wait for two weeks.  By the time we reached the parking garage at the hospital, I couldn't hold it in any longer.  The tears started flowing like a faucet.  And poor Justin tried his hardest to get them to stop.  Until I snapped at him, then he joined me in the waterworks for a few minutes.  Then we dried our eyes, put on our damaged smiles, and tried to put positive vibes back into our atmosphere. 

  

We made it home, and I was ordered to bed rest for the rest of that day and the next.  Today, I am trying so incredibly hard to be happy and hopeful and positive, but my heart aches.  I'm trying so hard to root for these two beautifully strong embryos I'm carrying, but my heart is mourning over the loss of the others.  Today, I am praying for strength and patience and understanding, because I don't feel I have much of any of that left.  My school work is currently suffering, my job could possibly be in jeopardy from the amount of time I've missed (even though I'm not behind and have plenty of sick time), my husband is exhausted because, bless his heart, he's been the one carrying me through all of this for the past month, while taking care of everything around the house, and working his regular 50-60 hours a week at work.  My faith feels shaken, and I hate that.  I know my God has a plan for me.  I know His plans are far greater than any we could ever make for ourselves.  But right now, my hope and faith are running on fumes, and I'm exhausted.  And we won't know if these little embryos turn into little babies until the end of this month.

Egg Retrieval Day

I've held off on writing this blog because I've been so cranky and sore and miserable over the weekend.  But, I need to post it while everything is still fresh in my mind.

We went back to the doctor one more time last Tuesday for one last check on these little eggies.  At this point he's counted well over one dozen eggs, and I feel every one of them.  I'm completely sore and swollen and miserable and feel like each egg weighs at least five pounds.  Again, everything looks good, estrogen is where it needs to be, and we're all set to do the HCG Trigger shot at 10:30 that night.  HCG helps in the follicle maturation process and triggers the release of mature eggs from the follicles.  Basically, it gets the eggs ready to be retrieved.  It's timed perfectly, so we had to do my shot at exactly 10:30pm.  Luckily, my mom's friend who happens to be a nurse, met me at my mom's house, said a very sweet prayer for us, then gave me my trigger shot.  She was amazing, and the shot really didn't hurt.

Wednesday, we proceed as normal and try to focus at work long enough to get through it.  Unfortunately, I felt so bad and swollen, I had to leave early and came home and slept for several hours.  This egg making is serious business.  It has completely exhausted my body.  And made me unable to button my pants from the swelling.  I'm so ready for the egg retrieval the next day.

Thursday morning- finally!!  It's time for these eggies to shine!!!  We wake up a little after 5:00am (not that I could sleep very well between the misery and excitement).  We were the first appointment that day at 8:15am.  We live about an hour from the doctor's office, but since we would be going through Dallas rush hour traffic that morning, we wanted to give ourselves plenty of time to get there.  So we left the house a little after 6:00, and we actually arrived a few minutes before the doctor's office even opened.  After waiting for just a few minutes, they took us back, and again, gave me a "cute" little blue and white hospital gown to change in to- with a matching hat and shoes.  Once again, the anesthesiologist came in (the same one from last month for my cyst) and started searching for a vein for my IV.  Of course, no veins to be found.  Even my poor little abused left hand that had already taken two IV's and given 10 tubes of blood over the past few weeks, no longer wanted to participate.  Finally, he manages to find a little vein in my little right hand.  We walk back to the operating room, and again he apologizes because he knows the medicine "aches" when going through the tiny hand veins.  I didn't care.  I'm building up my pain tolerance.  And I know within about 20 seconds, I'll be out and back on the beautiful Florida beach.

  

The egg retrieval only took about 25 minutes.  I woke up with cramping, but the heating pad they laid across my lower abdomen felt amazing.  They also gave me some pain medicine through my IV.  Immediately after the egg retrieval, I felt much lighter and not too bad.  No big deal.  Then, Dr. Saleh came in and excitedly reported that they retrieved 18 eggs total, 6 immature, but 12 nice, big eggs!!!  No wonder I was miserable!!  Normally, a women makes one egg a month.  I made 18 in one week!!!  THAT explains why I was so exhausted, sore, swollen, hungry, and completely in misery.  My body was hard at work!  So now we have 12 wonderful eggs to fertilize.  During my retrieval, they also got Justin's ingredients from him, then they immediately take everything to the lab to fertilize.  And now we wait.

 (Egg retrieval- but first, let me take a selfie!)

Thursday night I had to start my progesterone shots in my rear.  This progesterone thickens my uterus lining, and makes it that much more hospitable for an embryo.  They're actually more in the area of your "back fat/love handles".  At times like these, I'm thankful for my curves.  This is the shot that I've heard horror stories about.  The progesterone is actually in an oil, so it's a very thick shot, with a very large (maybe a little exaggeration) needle.  Either way, it's thick and large and there's a lot of it, so you have to go slow.  Once again, my mom's nurse friend comes to my rescue and gives me my first progesterone shot.  I thought I was Wonder Woman- barely felt a thing!  I thought "Man, this is gonna be a piece of cake!"

Friday morning I woke up in quite a bit of pain.  I.  Felt.  Terrible.  Because I had so many eggs, my ovaries were stuck over and over again with a long needle, many times each.  Friday, I felt it.  I did absolutely nothing but lay on the couch on a heating pad, constantly taking Tylenol all day long.  This is where this adventure tries to get the best of me.  I'm hurting.  I'm mad.  I'm snappy.  I'm exhausted.  I'm sad.  I want to give up.  I want to stop everything and retreat.  Lucky for my husband, he was at work this day.  And, because he's amazing, he came home with ice cream for me that night.  It helped a little.  Saturday, I'm still in horrible pain.  I've read blogs and websites where they say the egg retrieval wasn't that bad.  Well, I'd like to think I'm pretty tough, and I don't care what they say.  I'm hurting and I'm angry.  Again, I spent the day on the couch, with a heating pad, with Tylenol.  And while I'm in misery, I still have to do my progesterone shots every evening between 5:00-7:00.  My mom's friend had gone on vacation, but luckily, one of my sweet best friends has showed up every day to do the honors.  Sunday, we missed church because I was still in so much pain.  Also, I had ran a low fever all weekend long.  I'm assuming this is from the combination of bodily exhaustion and trauma.  And by this day, my love handles are getting extremely sore and sensitive from that dang, thick progesterone.  And, to make things worse, life is spinning in circles right around us, while we're constantly at the doctor, at work (me, not so much- thank God for plenty of sick time), or laying on the couch, recovering from being at the doctor.  Our yard looked like a jungle.  I'm (for some ridiculous reason) taking two summer 2 classes which I had yet to start by the end of the first week, laundry's piled up, we're completely out of groceries, and I'm not well enough to do any of this.  I'm usually the one who takes care of these small things, since Justin's at work so much so he can provide for us.  Well, someone get my husband a cape!  He mowed our jungle Saturday night, helped me with tons of homework Sunday afternoon, did laundry, dishes, picked up the house, went grocery shopping- and even came back with flowers!!  That's why he's my Superman.  And, when my sweet friend Sara showed up to do my shot Sunday night, she came with presents and ice cream and a sweet card in tow!  Here I am, throwing myself a pity party, yet completely surrounded by amazing, caring, supportive people.  My cup runneth over.  Also, I did manage to spend a lot of quality time laying on the couch with my little nurse dog and a good book.  So, counting my blessings and not my problems.

And the best news...  Dr. Saleh called Friday to give us an update on our embryos, then again Sunday morning for one last update before the embryo transfer on Tuesday...  

We have 6 perfectly strong, healthy, mature embryos!!!  This means they'll implant two on Tuesday (tomorrow!!), and then we'll freeze the rest to use on another date.  Thank you, God.  And silly little me worried all weekend about them spilling the cup!  I kept saying "Justin, I just don't think I can make any more!  I just can't do this again!"  Now, hopefully, I won't have to.  

Everyone keeps asking us if we're excited.  It's hard to be "excited" when you're not in the safe zone yet.  We prefer cautiously optimistic.  I'm a positive, happy person.  We always look for and hope for the best.  But I'm not naive enough to think this is a guarantee for a child for us.  It's in God's hands, and I know His plan for us will forever be greater than our own.

So today, I praise Him that I'm starting to feel better.  I praise Him for this opportunity.  I praise Him for the amazing people in my life.  And I pray that His will is done, and that He gives us the patience, strength, wisdom, and resiliency to carry on, regardless of the outcome.

So, starting tomorrow afternoon, I may or may not be pregnant... for two weeks.  You would think we would get used to waiting by now...

ONE DOZEN GOOD EGGS!!!

I started my Follistim injections last Tuesday, July 1st.  This is the shot that I take each night to kick my ovaries into overdrive.  By Friday, the 4th of July, I was miserable.  I woke up heavy and sore and swollen and completely miserable.  I was off work that day for the holiday, so I went to meet Justin for lunch since he had to work.  By the time we were finished eating lunch, I felt awful so I came back home, took some Tylenol, and laid down, sad because I knew I didn't have the strength or energy to fight the crowds for our town's firework show that night.  Justin got off work around 8:30, picked me up around 9:00, and we drove (me in my pajamas and flip flops) a few miles down a country road not too far from our house and parked in the middle of a field, that just happened to give us the perfect view from the backside of our town's firework show.  Not another person or car in sight.  It was perfect.  <3

Over the weekend my ovaries continued to be hard at work.  I. Felt. Awful.  (and still do)  I could not wait until our appointment this morning, because I just felt "full of good eggs"!  Also, I was so ready for our appointment because I am so ready to get these things out of me!  My stomach and lower abdomen are so sore and swollen and I'm exhausted from being an egg factory.  

So we went to the doctor this morning, and like always, the first step is to take my blood.  I hate this part because my veins never want to participate.  After searching on my still bruised and sore right arm, she decides to test out my left arm.  Of course, no vein in sight.  So we resort back to my poor little vein on my poor little left hand.  This vein's been a trooper.  This is the most easily accessible spot, so it's constantly being used.  Finally, blood work= done.  Next, we go back in our little room to get ready and wait for the doctor.  I throw all shame out the window once again, and crawl up on the tiny table in nothing but my shirt and paper blanket.  This used to be awkward.  Many, many visits ago.  Dr. Saleh comes in and starts the ultrasound.  He goes back and forth checking and measuring, checking and measuring.  He seems excited.  Finally he says "12 good eggs!  No wonder you're so sore and tired!"  In less than a week's time, I have created one dozen good eggs.  And I feel it.  And I'm exhausted.  But now, I'm excited!  Let's extract these suckers!!!  Next he measured my uterus lining which needs to be around a 9.  Mine's a 12.  Finally, something I'm good at- creating eggs and a thick uterus lining.  He's excited, we're excited!!  My estrogen levels are good, right where they need to be.  This is the point we've been working so hard to get to.  This is the part of the ride where the roller coaster (that you waited so long in line to get on), has finally, clicked-clicked-clicked, slowly, all the way to the top of the first, largest hill... and now... it drops.  Quickly.  

 (last Follistim shot!!!)

• We do our last Follistim shot tonight (praise God!).  
• We go back tomorrow to check eggs and estrogen one more time.
• Tomorrow night I'll do my trigger shot, which is an unfriendly long needle, in my hip, to get my eggs ready to be released.  Justin will be at work and this shot has to be done at exactly 10:30pm, and I can't give it to myself.  Thank God, my mom's nurse friend will be doing the honors tomorrow night.  (-mental note made to make her cookies)
• Thursday, July 10th- egg retrieval scheduled for 8:15am.  Like with the cyst, they'll put me to sleep and use a long needle to extract the eggs from my ovaries.  I used to be terrified of this part.  Now, the time can't come soon enough.  I want these eggs out!!!  They'll also get Justin's sample on this date, then they'll combine everything in the lab and let it grow over the weekend.
• Friday- bed rest.
• Tuesday, July 15th- embryo transfer day.  Dr. Saleh will use a catheter to place the two best embryos back in my uterus.  
• Wednesday, July 16th- bed rest.  
• Then, we wait.  And pray.  For two weeks. 

A Golden Egg Factory...

I went to the doctor yesterday for my first intra lipid infusion.  The intra lipids are a soy and egg yolk based milky product in an IV bag that just drip into your system for a little over an hour, and they help suppress the Natural Killer Cells.  Each infusion is about 2,000 calories!!!  Holy moly!  That's almost double of my normal daily consumption!  And afterwards, I was still hungry!  But, the infusion itself went well.  My right arm was sore and bruised up from blood work on Monday, so they couldn't get a vein on that arm.  They tested my left arm, but of course, no signs of my veins.  So the nurse had to use the tiny vein on my tiny left hand.  I'm worried about all the needle sticks in all of my veins.  They're getting sore and sensitive and I don't blame them one bit for hiding.  But, she was able to successfully get the IV in my hand, so then I just curled up with my blanket and book for the next hour, until my IV bag dripped dry.  No big deal, no side effects.  Afterwards, I felt good enough to hit up Kirkland's big semi-annual sale on the way home!  I'll do another infusion around the time of the egg retrieval and then another around the time they put the eggs back in.

I started my Follistim shots a few days ago now.  I inject 225 units each night, but tonight I lower it to 150 units.  Follistim is a VERY expensive drug that stimulates the ovaries to mass produce eggs.  The needle is tiny, but the shot is somewhat painful.  I try not to complain because I know worse shots are coming.  But still, the shot burns for at least 10-15 minutes and then makes me feel shaky and sweaty for a good 30 minutes afterwards.  So, my nightly routine is to get ready for bed, take care of our little herd of fur babies, pour me a glass of cold iced tea, give myself the shot around 9:30, then force myself to just sit and relax for the next 30 minutes to an hour before going to sleep.  I'm normally such a busy person, I usually don't sit and watch t.v.  My normal routine includes working full time, lots of homework because I'm 7 classes away from my bachelor's degree, working out, playing with our 3 sweet baby dogs, taking care of housework, and anything else I can find to be busy and productive throughout the day.  I love being busy.  And I love working out because it's such a huge stress reliever!  Well, since my body and pocket book are working hard over time trying to mass produce eggs, I'm not allowed to be busy.  I'm not allowed to work out.  I'm really just supposed to be taking it "easy" during this time, which is driving me crazy!!!  Before we started our IVF cycle, I had really started eating healthier and stepping up my workout routine and ended up losing about 10 lbs in the past couple of months.  Now, between the steroids and the Follistim, I cannot get un-hungry!  I can get full, but I still feel hungry!  It's ridiculous!  I stepped on the scale this morning, thinking that for sure I've already gained back all 10 pounds, but to my surprise, only 2.5.  After all the work me and my ovaries and my hormones are doing, I'm ok with that.  

My belly is swollen from injections.  My lower abdomen is swollen from overstimulated ovaries.  I feel my ovaries working hard.  They feel about the size of cantaloupes.  Today, I am sore and bruised and swollen and bloated and puffy.  And I still have at the very least, 4 days left of making these precious little golden eggs.  

We go back to the doctor Monday, July 7th to do another ultrasound and test my estrogen levels to see if we've reached that perfect point yet to start the egg retrieval.  Each appointment is so stressful and nerve racking.  The smallest unplanned event could cause us to have to cancel our whole cycle, wait for the meds to leave my body, and then pay for new meds and start the process all over again in a couple of months.  This is a worry that is forever on my mind, and all we can do is pray for the best and pray for strength and trust that He has a plan much greater than ours.

 (my daily breakfast)

This journey started when I met my husband almost five years ago.  The desire to be a mother, however, started from my very first baby doll 30 years ago.  It's a desire that doesn't go away, and only gets stronger with time.  IVF is such an emotionally, physically, and financially exhausting adventure.  You never know what your body is going to do regardless of all the plans you lay out on paper.  You think you have enough money saved up, then, because your body doesn't do exactly what you want it to do, there's unexpected expense on top of unexpected expense.  One day you feel positive and like you can conquer anything, then the next day you wake up angry just knowing you have several injections waiting for you to get out of bed.  But you do it all anyways.  Like a boss.  Like the fighter that you are.

Could be better, could be worse!

First off, I would like to apologize for my lack of blogging lately…  I’ve been laying on a beach in Florida for the past week!!!

 

So, to catch up, I started my meds on June 19^th.  The night before my first Lupron injection, I was so nervous, I couldn’t sleep!  I woke up early that morning, watched the “How to” video a couple of times, followed step by step, and injected the little, tiny needle in my belly.  Didn’t feel a thing.  Good.  In typical Krystal fashion, I had worked myself up for nothing.  I’ve been taking birth control pills, prenatal vitamins, steroids, and Lupron now for the past couple of weeks, and I’ve been very blessed to not really have any major side effects.  My most noticeable side effect is a fuzzy brain!  It’s so crazy, but I (someone who’s usually very organized and remembers everything) have not been able to think clearly for the past few weeks.  I can’t remember where I put things, I can’t think clearly at all, and I even left my house one morning in my house shoes.  I ended up making a checklist of my daily meds, so I wouldn’t have to worry about forgetting what I had taken and/or when I had taken it.  Oh, and I did have one little hot flash while making muffins one morning.  Everything was fine one moment, then the next, I felt like ripping my shirt off like the Hulk and crawling into the A/C unit.  But other than that, I’ve been very blessed to have felt as good as I’ve felt. 

 

I was worried that I would feel bad while we were on vacation.  We spent last week in Destin, Florida and had such an amazing time!  We soaked up some Florida sun, boogie boarded and snorkeled in the ocean, ate too much delicious food, and went on a dolphin and fireworks cruise.  I had no problems keeping my Lupron nice and cool in a little insulated lunch box and/or hotel fridge, and although I did have to do a few injections in the car (usually in a fast food parking lot) overall everything went very well.  Vacation= success!!!

 

I stopped my birth control on Tuesday, June 24^th.  I also decreased my Lupron from 10 units to 5 units last week.  The fuzziness in my brain seems to be clearing a little more.  Still no more hot flashes.  We went to the doctor on Monday, June 30^th for an ultrasound and blood work.  Great news!  No cysts, ovaries and uterus look good, and hormone levels are where they need to be!!!  We get the green light to continue on!

 

Follistim-  I started my Follistim shots last night.  The needle for this shot is still a tiny, non-painful needle.  The medicine though is about the price of gold and burned for about 10 minutes like injecting Louisiana hot sauce.  Still, could be worse.  I’ll add this shot to my daily routine for at least the next week, in order to mass produce eggs.  This is the shot that can make my belly sore and swollen from overstimulation of the ovaries. 

 

Although at this point we’re only 14 shots in (I swear it feels like so much more!) my belly has started getting a little sore and bruised and swollen.  My arm looks all bruised up from so much blood work.  And we’re nowhere near the end.  But, it could be worse.  I just continue to praise God daily that I still feel as well as I do.  I praise Him that we had such a relaxing, stress free vacation.  I praise Him that my medicine doses are much lower than many others that have much more severe infertility problems than me.  I praise Him that He’s blessed us to be able to afford this opportunity.  And I praise Him for such a sweet, smart, funny, selfless husband to hold my hand the whole way, reassuring me that no matter what, we’re in this together and we’ll be ok.

 

 

 

 

 

 



Tomorrow- first intra lipid infusion to shut down those Natural Killer Cells.

 

Meds Arrive!

My meds arrived!!  In a large Styrofoam ice chest, packed down with ice packs.   

There’s.  So.  Much.  

 It’s so exciting, but so overwhelming.  And for the next few nights, I dreamed about needles.  Just a few more days, then we’re on our way!!!  Our medicine start date is Thursday, June 19^th.  I’ve already been on birth control and prenatal vitamins for a little over a month now.  I was extremely nauseated and felt horrible the first week.  I changed my time to take them from mornings to nights, hoping to sleep through some of this nausea.  It seems to help.  I still have a small wave of nausea come over me periodically, but it doesn’t seem to last very long.  But my hormones… oh my.  I feel like a teenager all over again.  Every feeling and emotion is so ridiculously amplified.  Too many wires and cords at the computer- “Just get rid of the stupid computer!!!”  A lady pulling out in front of us, (while throwing my hands up in the air) “What are you thinking?!”  Poor Justin.  I normally have such a calm, laid back, care-free personality, but right now I feel like such a teenage drama queen.  It’s ridiculous.

 (my meds & my nurse- please excuse her hippie hair-do!)

June 10, 2014

A few days after surgery, I felt almost as good as new.  We went back to Medical City for our medicine consultation with Heather, our sweet, personal nurse.  We went over what seemed to be about a million different medications and the instructions for each.  Thank God Justin was there to help me remember all of it!  She explained that we only order meds once, and so we would get every medicine and every pill and every needle needed throughout this whole process, all at one time.  She gave us our meds schedule, and placed the order with the pharmacy.

Pink- Prenatal vitamins- taken through everything

Gray- Birth control pills- taken for a little over a month, to allow time for the doctors to manipulate my system and hormones.

Yellow- Lupron- a shot I have to give myself in the stomach each morning in order to shut down all of my hormones.  Could possibly give me headaches and menopausal symptoms.

Green- Dexamethasone- a small steroid pill taken every morning in hopes of building superhuman eggs and embryo environment.  Could possibly cause insomnia, hot flashes, and constant hunger.

Blue- Follistim- a shot I have to give myself in the stomach each day for about a week to stimulate ovaries right before retrieval.  Could cause pain and abdominal swelling and weight gain from over stimulation.  Most expensive medicine I’ve ever purchased!

Red- Intra Lipids- For first infusion on July 3^rd.