Faith as small as a mustard seed...

First off, I would like to apologize for it being so long since I've last updated my blog.  You see, we've been a little busy this past year.

I'll start off by saying besides being busy, I haven't written a new post because, try as I may, I will never be able to successfully formulate a story that does any kind of justice to the miracles God has been performing in our lives lately. Miracles beyond anything we could ever imagine. I knew my God had a plan. I knew He was faithful and for us. I knew my faith could move mountains. But never in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined how phenomenal His plan for us would be. I guess we'll start off where I left off...

Friday, July 25th. That horrible, heartbreaking day. We received the phone call from our doctor's office letting us know that our in vitro was not successful. And our world shattered. Those 10 days were the closest I have ever been to being pregnant. Those 10 days I had to believe I was pregnant. And that phone call changed our lives forever. That unwanted phone call would end up turning our sails in a whole new direction. But in the mean time, we grieved. We were crushed and broken. After about an hour of sobbing, we had to get out. So we drove. And we cried. And we kept driving. We turned our phones off, because we were too broken and devastated to talk to any of our family members who were calling, excited to find out the news. My mom knew though. I hadn't talked to her, but I know she knew. I know she felt it, and then that feeling was reaffirmed by no phone call from me. And I know her heart shattered just as ours had. Justin and I drove forever that day, no destination in mind. But finally, we had to come home and face our truth and try to cope with our grief. Justin and Sophie tried their hardest to cheer me up and comfort me. But I was broken. Then poor Justin had to make the phone calls to the family. And although our circumstances have drastically changed since then, our lost embryos we worked so hard to create will forever be loved and mourned. That was the closest we'll ever come to creating children, and those embryos will forever be ours, forever be lost, and forever be mourned.

About a week after we received the news, one of my best friends from school whom I hadn't talked to lately had contacted my dad and asked to have me contact her. I finally called her on the way home from work a few days later. One of the first things she says is "So... I have a friend who's pregnant... with twins... and she wants to know if y'all would be interested in adopting them?!" She was so excited. I was in complete shock. I'm not even sure if I responded, but she excitedly continued on... "So, do you want to know what she's having?! A BOY and a GIRL!!!" She was way more excited than I could allow myself to be at this point. I just couldn't comprehend what was happening. Then she informed me that they were due around October. And this was already August. Even typing this out, this story still sounds crazy to me. I didn't know what to do. At this point, I didn't know what God wanted us to do. So I sat on this info for a few days. I had ended the phone call saying that I would talk to Justin and see what he says and get back with her. I just couldn't believe that this was legit. For a few days I kept this info to myself, and I prayed. A lot. At this point, I only wanted to go down the path that God wanted me to go down. I didn't want to desperately (and insanely) search for a baby. The only problem was that I had no idea what God wanted me to do. So a few days later, I told Justin. And he says "Ok. Let's meet her." Just like that. He never put a second thought into it. A day or two after I mentioned it to him, I nonchalantly mentioned it to my mom. Her response was "Oh, my gosh. TWINS?!?!" But my two most trusted and leaned on sources in life never questioned the scenario or told me not to look into it. So we did. 

We arranged through our mutual friend, a place and time to meet. We were so extremely nervous. And then she didn't show up. Which really made us doubt the situation even more. She apologized and said she wasn't able to make it, so we set up a different day and time for us to meet. Justin had to work that day, so it was just me, her, and our mutual friend all heading to meet at a Starbucks in Mesquite. I was sooooo incredibly nervous. I had my A/C on full blast, but sweat all the way there. I was so nervous and worried about what she would think of me. This was only a couple of weeks after our in vitro ended, so I was still very much sore, swollen, bloated, heartbroken, and leaning towards the glass being half empty. But she showed up. And I remember my very first thought when I saw her "She's so beautiful." Now I look back and think "That's a silly, superficial first thought", but she was. And then I thought "This woman could be the mother of my children." It was all so very new and strange, uncharted territory. Actually for both of us. But we connected right away, and I was very surprised at how comfortable I was with her.  She told me that the father was no longer involved and that she wanted these babies to go to a loving home that could provide so much more for them than she would be able to since she already had two young children to provide for. She asked about me and Justin and said she had read my blog and she would love for us to be the parents to her twins. As much as I wanted to jump for joy, I was terrified. I was absolutely a million times more terrified now than ever of getting my hopes up since our loss from our in vitro. I was still healing and grieving and so fragile at this point. But I said "Yes".

Neither of us knew anything about the adoption process, but neither of us wanted to deal with an agency and the lengthy, expensive process of going through an agency, so I told her I would contact an attorney and find out what we needed to do. I contacted an attorney in Greenville, left a voice mail, and said a prayer that if this wasn't God's will for us, then don't let the attorney call me back. The next morning I received a phone call back. He was so incredibly nice and helpful and happy for us. He gave me all the information we needed and all the steps we needed to take. And told me if the babies were coming in October, then we needed to hurry! 

(my calendar on my desk at work)

The next two months were a whirlwind. And every single morning I would pray that if this wasn't the path God wanted us to go down, then I would ask for Him to stop it. But every day, we got one step closer, without any complications whatsoever. 

We paid the attorney, had background checks done, and started preparing our house for a home study. When we got married we bought a very old house that we've been working on ourselves over the past few years. Well, now we had about a month to get the interior finished! We completely gutted the bathroom and put up new sheet rock, texture, paint, trim, tub, toilet, sink, flooring, did lots of touch-up painting throughout the house, installed carpet and baseboards, and baby proofed the whole house. Then we had to set up the nursery. For two babies that technically weren't ours yet. With the help of family and friends, we were able to get the inside of the house finished. We had a social worker come over and do a home study, and everything went well. Another step closer.

Then one day on the way to work Justin was rear-ended, which shoved his small truck into the vehicle in front of him. It's amazing how some things are just blessings in disguise. Thankfully he wasn't hurt. And because of two babies on the way, we had already began saving up a down payment for a new bigger truck for him. Well, with our down payment plus the check from the ladies' insurance, we were able to get him his very first brand new vehicle- a four door Ford F-150.

Also, during this madness of trying to get everything ready for the possibility of an adoption of newborn twins, I had a tiny spot on my nose that ended up being skin cancer. It wasn't the deadly kind, but I still had to have a pretty serious surgery in order to get rid of it. The surgery was at the beginning of October and consisted of having a large chunk of skin cut off of the end of my nose, then a skin graph taken from behind my right ear to fill in my nose. It was an extremely painful procedure that required lots of stitches and 6 weeks worth of wearing a bandage on my nose. But thank God we caught it in time, and we were able to get it taken care of before babies arrived.

I also need to tell you that only a handful of people knew that we were looking into this adoption. Because we were still so heartbroken from our in vitro, we didn't possess the physical or emotional energy necessary to be excited and shout it from the roof tops that we were adopting. We were completely terrified. In her defense, the birth mother never gave us any indications that we would have anything to worry about. I formed a relationship with her and very quickly felt extremely comfortable with her, to the point that she seemed like a family member I had known for years. She kept us updated on her and the babies every time she had a doctor's appointment. She also sent me sonogram pictures. But that didn't make it any easier for two freshly wounded soldiers to head right on back into battle. I was terrified, I was exhausted, I was in pain from my nose surgery, still recovering and healing from in vitro, and I had nothing left. And we still had to do a baby registry for our baby shower... that we would only have if all goes well with the adoption. In the state of Texas, a birth mother cannot sign over her rights until 48 hours after giving birth. So we could never have an official guarantee of the adoption until after the babies were born. Yet we had to prepare for them anyways. But hold on to receipts in case it didn't work out. Which was such a horrible emotional roller coaster for us. We couldn't be those parents that happily shopped and registered for their soon to be here babies. We were the couple that had just lost the closest form of babies they had ever had, but now had potential babies in the works, but not official yet. We were a mess. It was awful. We tried so hard to be excited. But we just couldn't commit 100 percent. So we registered. We set up a nursery. We bought a few items. And we only had a handful of baby supplies when the babies were born.

Thursday, October 30th. I knew she had a doctor's appointment that day. And she had a C-section scheduled for the next week on November 6th, Justin's birthday. So you can only imagine my surprise when she texted me around 3:30 that afternoon saying that she was dilated to a 4 and that they were preparing to do a C-section that evening. Everything went a little blurry after that. I ran to my boss's office and muttered something about babies coming and had to go, then I jumped in my car and started heading home. Justin just happened to be off work that day, so he was able to get everything together by the time I got home. We threw the most random stuff in his truck, jumped in it, and headed to my mom's to drop off our little Sophie dog. The hospital was in Dallas and about an hour away. We were making good timing, until we got on 635 right in the middle of the 5:00 rush hour traffic. It took us about 45 minutes to cover the last 3 miles right before we got to the hospital. And while we were on the way, we received a text from her "They're here!" I read it to Justin, and I still giggle at his response "Who's here?!" I'm pretty sure we shouted every word of every conversation from the excitement on the way to the hospital. The babies had arrived. Baby A- a boy, at 5:15 pm, weighing 4 lbs 13 ounces and 17 1/2" long. Baby B- a girl, arrived at 5:16 pm, weighing 4 lbs 15 ounces and 17 1/2" long. Small, but perfectly healthy. Babies and birth mom were all doing great. They were born at Presbyterian Hospital in Dallas, and the hospital actually had two NICU teams in the delivery room awaiting their arrival. Fortunately, both babies arrived perfectly strong and healthy and neither had to go to the NICU. Extra large preemies is what the hospital had called them. When we arrived at the hospital a few minutes after they were born, they immediately took us back to the room with the birth mother and babies. And it's still pretty much a blur to me. Every single emotion in my being was running at one hundred miles per hour. But there they were. So tiny, so perfect. And the birth mother immediately said "Go look at your babies." 

Baby A- Benjamin Case Sutton, born at 5:15 pm on 10/30/14, 4.13 lbs, 17 1/2" long. Oh, so perfect and handsome. (Although he did somewhat resemble a little old man when he was born!)

Baby B- Emma Wren Sutton, born at 5:16 pm on 10/30/14, 4.15 lbs, 17 1/2" long. Absolutely beautiful and completely perfect.

We stayed at the hospital all day until somewhere around midnight. We drove home, tried to sleep for a few hours, then got up early the next morning and went back. Because we were still waiting for our 48 hour time frame before she could sign any papers, we had asked family not to come up there yet. But that Friday afternoon Justin had to go to work. And I had to stay at the hospital all by myself. And the closer we got to 48 hours after birth, the more nervous and anxious and stressed and emotional I became. And when I walked down to the parking lot to tell him bye, I completely lost it. He was the only strength I had left. I was no longer standing on my own; he was carrying me. And I thought there was absolutely no way I would be able to survive this day without him. So we called my mom at work, and I asked her to come to the hospital. An hour away and in Dallas traffic- which us small town girls DO NOT do! But she came. She immediately came. And she spent the day at the hospital with me and the birth mother.

The babies' birth mother- We had grown so extremely close in the very short time that we knew each other. She was incredible, beautiful, strong, funny, intelligent, courageous, loving, and made the ultimate sacrifice for her babies. She was younger than me, but mature for her age. The first time Justin actually met her was at the hospital. And they immediately connected. And in so many ways, she was like me. And in certain ways, we resembled each other. She had recently lost her mother to cancer, but she wanted to meet my mother. And my mother was so much like hers and even looked very similar to her mother. Although the birth father was no longer involved, we saw a picture of him. And he looked so much like Justin. By this time, we knew that this was completely God's doing. We knew God's plan for our lives, His plan for us to become parents, was happening right in front of our very eyes, with little to no effort from us at all. There was no denying that this was His will for all of us. Not only were our dreams coming true of becoming parents, but God provided a means for the birth mother to have a happy, loving home for her twins to go to, so that she could be the best parent possible to her two children waiting for her at home.

My mama stayed with me all day at the hospital that Friday, then Justin came back to the hospital after work that night. We stayed late, went home, and got up the next day, preparing to head back to the hospital. This was THE day. This was the moment of truth. Then I received a text from the birth mother that her two witnesses for the signing were unable to make it due to work issues. Our attorney and a notary were meeting us that afternoon at the hospital. And two witnesses were needed for her signing. And no one was available for any of us. We spent that morning calling so many people. She couldn't get ahold of anyone, and we couldn't use our family. Finally, we were able to get a couple of friends of ours to come up there. One of them, fresh out of the middle of the hunting field. Dressed head to toe in camo. Because it was deer season. But he still came. We will forever be grateful for these two guys, goofy as they were, for taking time out of their busy schedules to be a part of helping our dreams come true. 

The attorney, the notary, and the two witnesses showed up and went in the birth mother's hospital room. Justin and I waited outside. I have to stress that as emotional and stressed as we were, I never ever felt like she wouldn't sign the papers. I was terrified and in turmoil waiting for her to sign the papers, but I never felt as if she wouldn't. I had received a copy of the termination of rights, and I had read it ahead of time, and I knew how very detailed it was. And it was awful. I could not imagine the emotions going through her while going over it. My heart broke for her. And while we were waiting, nurses had to rush to her room because she was hyperventilating. But I still never felt like she wouldn't sign the papers. But we couldn't help but be fearful and hurt for her, and we couldn't help but be fearful and hurt for ourselves. And in the middle of everything she was going through and everything she was dealing with, she sent a nurse out to tell us not to worry and she'll be ok and she's not backing out. But still, my heart broke for her.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, but really I don't think it was very long, our attorney stepped out of her hospital room and gave us a thumbs up. Everything was signed. The birth father never sought custody, so his rights were immediately terminated. These babies were officially ours. And I broke down. And I exhaled for what seemed like the very first time in five years and fell into Justin's arms and sobbed.  Five years of surgeries, fertility treatments, praying, hoping, preparing our fields, in vitro, heart ache, saving, wanting, and almost giving up. Now we had two. A boy and a girl. 

Four days after birth we were able to bring the babies home. I remember getting up early, and while driving to the hospital, holding hands, we looked across an open field at the morning sun resting on the horizon.  It was beautiful.  And I know we were thinking the exact same thing.  And Justin quietly said "Take it all in."  From this day forward, we would be parents.  

But it still hadn't all sank in, and it still didn't feel real. And that day that should have been the happiest day of our lives, was also one of the saddest days of our lives. Our heart broke for their birth mother. Although it's official, although it's something you've wanted for so long, it still takes your emotions and feelings time to catch up. And that afternoon when we left that hospital with these two tiny babies, I felt like we were taking someone else's babies. And my heart shattered for her. It was the worst feeling in the world. And I cried all the way home for her. And I struggled, and at times still struggle with the fact that our joy and happiness came at the expense of someone else. If you have never been in that situation, there is no way to ever fully understand the extent of the emotions involved. I ached for her with my whole entire being. For a very long time.

But now she's back home with her precious children. And thanks to her, we're home with ours. Because everything went so (abnormally) smooth during the whole adoption process, we were able to finalize everything in court two and a half weeks after they were born. November 19th, 2014 Benjamin Case Sutton and Emma Wren Sutton became officially ours. And life as we knew it would never be the same.

Some days I still can't comprehend the magnitude of God's doing and His plan for us and how in the end, everything worked out so much better than we could have ever dreamed.  I know now the in vitro wasn't pointless, because it lead me to her. I have so many people tell me they're sorry that we had to go through in vitro. Well, I'm not. It was all part of His plan. If we hadn't gone through it, I would have forever wondered if it would have worked. If we hadn't gone through it, Ben and Emma's birth mother would have never read my blog and never asked to meet us. We still mourn our lost embryos, and there are days that I still struggle with my infertility. And that will never change. Ben and Emma were not a "fix" for any of that, nor were they a replacement. But nonetheless, they are our dreams coming true. They are our living children, our purpose, carried by another mama. And they are just as much ours as our little, lost embryos. And never once have I dwelled or even given a thought to the fact that I didn't give birth. Because that's ok. Because they are ours, and they are our story, and they are God's will for us. And we love them with a love greater than any love ever imagined.  In my heart, I always knew there would be a "Benjamin" and "Emma".  I felt it deep within my soul.  These are the children I've been waiting for.  These are the children we have worked so incredibly hard to have.  These are the babies that we have loved long before we ever held them.  I knew them.  I never felt them in my belly, but I've always felt them in my heart.  My love for them is as endless as the sea and as vast as the night sky.  And we will thank God and praise God every single day for the rest of our lives for allowing us to be their parents.  To God be the glory.

Jeremiah 29:11

I know these words are true, but here I sit, writing the blog I hoped I would never have to write.  Thinking I should sensor it, but knowing people need to know the truth about the struggle with infertility.  I know my God has a greater plan for us, but that doesn't make the heartache any less.  That doesn't erase the conversation I had with our nurse Friday afternoon.  

"Hi Krystal, how are you?"  "I'm good!  How are you?"  "Well, sweetheart, I would be better if I had good news for you.  Unfortunately, your test results were negative."

Negative.  Normally you want negative test results from the doctor.  But not with in vitro.  Not when you felt you were so close to your dreams finally coming true. Not after...

• 4 years
• $18,000 out of pocket for medical expenses
• 30+ doctor visits
• 5 different doctor's offices
• 2100+ miles driven back and forth
• 2 surgeries prior IVF
• 20+ tubes of blood
• 5 IV's
• 42 injections (shots) in less than two months
• 91 pills in less than two months

Two months 24/7 dedication and work towards your dream.  So many shots, pills, needles, doctors visits, hopes, prayers, talks of our future.  For 10 days, I placed my hand on my belly and cheered those two embryos on.  For 10 days, I had to hope and assume I was pregnant.  For 10 days, I was the closest to being pregnant I've ever been.  Not knowing those little embryos never made it.  None of our little embryos survived this battle.  But we were so hopeful.  Lists of baby names.  A Pinterest board full of nursery ideas.  "Oh my gosh, what if both embryos take and we have twins?!", we would say with a laugh.  Endless dreams of holding our newborn for the very first time, wondering who they look more like.  The excitement and anticipation shopping for baby's first Christmas, waiting for their first words, imagining what their little laugh would sound like.  Favorite foods, first steps, tiny hands in ours, family vacations making memories and full of laughter, dirty messes completely worth it, toys all over the living room floor, bedtime stories, first day of kindergarten pictures, more smiles and laughter and love than we could ever imagine.  All torn away again.  With that one simple word.  Negative.  I had imagined that phone call from our doctor's office a hundred times.  And that's not how I imagined it would go.

My heart is broken.  I know God has a plan.  But that doesn't make me any less sad.  That didn't stop me from sobbing in the shower asking God "But I thought you were for me?"  I know He has a plan.  I know He is for me.  But still, I'm sad.  Still, I'm mad.  I'm ashamed that I can't do the one thing that all women should be able to do.  And I'm hurting for those that have had to hear that word over and over again.  These women are superheroes to bear that kind of pain and keep going.  Two weeks ago I was in so much pain, I thought, I could never do this again.  But now, I know I could.  Because I may have to.  

But right now, I'm grieving for our loss.  That's what infertility is.  It's the loss of a dream.  It's the loss of a future.  It's the loss of a sweet little child, that every day you wonder how you can already have so much love for something that's never even existed for you.  And then it dies.  Over and over again.  And your heart breaks.  Over and over again.  And you become jaded and bitter.  And you get angry and jealous because it seems every one in the world can have children but you.  By now, your friends haven't just had one child during your struggle, but they've had two or three.  And you're so incredibly happy for them, but at the same time, it's just a gut wrenching reminder of what you don't have and what you can't do.  And the adoption process is long and expensive and difficult.  And you've received numerous advice from non-professionals as to what you should and shouldn't do and try.  And you've heard plenty of comments that God doesn't agree with in vitro.  And you see the news of babies being murdered, abortions happening every minute, unfit mothers having a dozen babies they don't even want, and you can't even have one.  It's infuriating.  But above all, it's heartbreaking.  Completely, utterly, devastatingly heartbreaking.

But, I know He has a plan, specifically designed and laid out for us.  I have to believe this.  So while we grieve, while we struggle to understand something we'll probably never understand, and while we wait, I'll put my faith in that.  Because at this point, we're exhausted physically, emotionally, and financially, so we really don't have any other choice.  This isn't the end of our journey, apparently it's only the beginning.

Embryo Transfer Day: Hope & Heartbreak.

Tuesday, July 15th- Embryo Transfer Day.  We woke up happy, positive, relaxed, and had delicious cinnamon rolls for breakfast.  All smiles.  It's a weird mix of emotions when you're trying to create a pregnancy, as opposed to one happening naturally.  Everything you do is building up to that moment.  You have that exact moment of creation scheduled in as an appointment on your calendar.  You think- this could be the last time I cook breakfast unpregnant.  This could be the last time I do my makeup unpregnant.  We were in such a good mood on the way to the doctor's office, much more excited than nervous.

We got there about 20 minutes early, and they went ahead and called us back.  Because I'm still sore, swollen, and bloated, Dr. Saleh performed a sonogram on me first to check my ovaries for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.  This is where the ovaries continue to over produce (even though you've already done the egg retrieval and stopped the stimulation medications) and this can cause severe pain, swelling, bloating, and the need for a surgery to drain the ovaries and abdomen.  The sonogram showed that my ovaries are still producing many eggs and are slightly enlarged, but at this moment, not a major cause for concern.  He informed us to pay close attention over the next couple of weeks, and contact them if the bloating and swelling and soreness doesn't stop.  So now, instead of praying for my ovaries to produce lots of eggs, we've completely changed directions and we're now praying for them to stop producing eggs.

Next, I change into the hospital gown and crawl onto the bed to wait.  The lab technician comes out and she's got two little pictures in her hand of two "beautiful" embryos.  These are the two embryos we'll be implanting.  Then, her expression saddens.  And here comes the heartbreak...  

No other embryos grew strong enough to make it to freezing quality.  This is all we have.  These two are our only chance.  

The rest of the group of 6 never made it to day 5.  Our feelings immediately change from hope to heartbreak.  Without any embryos to freeze, if this doesn't work, we'll have to pay another $13,000 and go through the WHOLE process all over again.  At this point, my body is weak, my ovaries are swollen and constantly in pain, I'm exhausted, and we've exhausted our IVF fund that we saved up for years.  My heart is broken.  I should be hopeful and positive and happy and not stressed, but my heart is broken.  If this doesn't work, we financially and possibly physically can't go through this again for another couple of years or even have enough money to be able to adopt.  This could very well be our one and only chance at becoming parents.  It's a very humbling, weakening, sickening wave of emotions when you're told this.  We thought, if this doesn't work the first time, we'll have a few more tries with the frozen ones.  Not a big deal.  But now, we no longer have that option to fall back on.  We're on the edge, and we're jumping in, all or nothing.  And that's it.

After this horrible news, they bring us back into the little operating room, and Dr. Saleh runs a small catheter to my uterus.  He tells me to relax.  I WAS relaxed.  Now I just want to cry over the loss of all my little embryos we have worked so incredibly hard to make.  Within a few minutes, he shows us the little white dot in the center of the ultrasound.  "That's your two beautiful embryos."  Implanted in my uterus.  And within about 5 minutes, it was done.

They slid me over onto a bed and rolled me into a little room to lay still with my knees bent for the next 20 minutes.  This was the longest 20 minutes of my life.  I want to be excited and happy and positive- everything I thought we would be at this moment.  But I'm devastated that this is our only shot.  Justin doesn't say anything (which is extremely rare for Justin), and I know he's devastated too.  He's trying to be strong and positive for me, but inside, I know we both wanted to break down and cry.  So I just laid there.  With my hand over my face, my knees bent, my eyes squeezed shut so no tears could fall out, and... this is silly, and I have no idea why this is the song that popped in my head at this very moment... but I laid there and in my mind, went through the entire song of O' Victory in Jesus.  It was all I could do to keep from falling apart when I'm supposed to be so stress-free and happy.  Finally, the nurse came back and told me I could use the restroom and get dressed and we were free to go.  Now, we go home and wait for two weeks.  By the time we reached the parking garage at the hospital, I couldn't hold it in any longer.  The tears started flowing like a faucet.  And poor Justin tried his hardest to get them to stop.  Until I snapped at him, then he joined me in the waterworks for a few minutes.  Then we dried our eyes, put on our damaged smiles, and tried to put positive vibes back into our atmosphere. 

  

We made it home, and I was ordered to bed rest for the rest of that day and the next.  Today, I am trying so incredibly hard to be happy and hopeful and positive, but my heart aches.  I'm trying so hard to root for these two beautifully strong embryos I'm carrying, but my heart is mourning over the loss of the others.  Today, I am praying for strength and patience and understanding, because I don't feel I have much of any of that left.  My school work is currently suffering, my job could possibly be in jeopardy from the amount of time I've missed (even though I'm not behind and have plenty of sick time), my husband is exhausted because, bless his heart, he's been the one carrying me through all of this for the past month, while taking care of everything around the house, and working his regular 50-60 hours a week at work.  My faith feels shaken, and I hate that.  I know my God has a plan for me.  I know His plans are far greater than any we could ever make for ourselves.  But right now, my hope and faith are running on fumes, and I'm exhausted.  And we won't know if these little embryos turn into little babies until the end of this month.

Egg Retrieval Day

I've held off on writing this blog because I've been so cranky and sore and miserable over the weekend.  But, I need to post it while everything is still fresh in my mind.

We went back to the doctor one more time last Tuesday for one last check on these little eggies.  At this point he's counted well over one dozen eggs, and I feel every one of them.  I'm completely sore and swollen and miserable and feel like each egg weighs at least five pounds.  Again, everything looks good, estrogen is where it needs to be, and we're all set to do the HCG Trigger shot at 10:30 that night.  HCG helps in the follicle maturation process and triggers the release of mature eggs from the follicles.  Basically, it gets the eggs ready to be retrieved.  It's timed perfectly, so we had to do my shot at exactly 10:30pm.  Luckily, my mom's friend who happens to be a nurse, met me at my mom's house, said a very sweet prayer for us, then gave me my trigger shot.  She was amazing, and the shot really didn't hurt.

Wednesday, we proceed as normal and try to focus at work long enough to get through it.  Unfortunately, I felt so bad and swollen, I had to leave early and came home and slept for several hours.  This egg making is serious business.  It has completely exhausted my body.  And made me unable to button my pants from the swelling.  I'm so ready for the egg retrieval the next day.

Thursday morning- finally!!  It's time for these eggies to shine!!!  We wake up a little after 5:00am (not that I could sleep very well between the misery and excitement).  We were the first appointment that day at 8:15am.  We live about an hour from the doctor's office, but since we would be going through Dallas rush hour traffic that morning, we wanted to give ourselves plenty of time to get there.  So we left the house a little after 6:00, and we actually arrived a few minutes before the doctor's office even opened.  After waiting for just a few minutes, they took us back, and again, gave me a "cute" little blue and white hospital gown to change in to- with a matching hat and shoes.  Once again, the anesthesiologist came in (the same one from last month for my cyst) and started searching for a vein for my IV.  Of course, no veins to be found.  Even my poor little abused left hand that had already taken two IV's and given 10 tubes of blood over the past few weeks, no longer wanted to participate.  Finally, he manages to find a little vein in my little right hand.  We walk back to the operating room, and again he apologizes because he knows the medicine "aches" when going through the tiny hand veins.  I didn't care.  I'm building up my pain tolerance.  And I know within about 20 seconds, I'll be out and back on the beautiful Florida beach.

  

The egg retrieval only took about 25 minutes.  I woke up with cramping, but the heating pad they laid across my lower abdomen felt amazing.  They also gave me some pain medicine through my IV.  Immediately after the egg retrieval, I felt much lighter and not too bad.  No big deal.  Then, Dr. Saleh came in and excitedly reported that they retrieved 18 eggs total, 6 immature, but 12 nice, big eggs!!!  No wonder I was miserable!!  Normally, a women makes one egg a month.  I made 18 in one week!!!  THAT explains why I was so exhausted, sore, swollen, hungry, and completely in misery.  My body was hard at work!  So now we have 12 wonderful eggs to fertilize.  During my retrieval, they also got Justin's ingredients from him, then they immediately take everything to the lab to fertilize.  And now we wait.

 (Egg retrieval- but first, let me take a selfie!)

Thursday night I had to start my progesterone shots in my rear.  This progesterone thickens my uterus lining, and makes it that much more hospitable for an embryo.  They're actually more in the area of your "back fat/love handles".  At times like these, I'm thankful for my curves.  This is the shot that I've heard horror stories about.  The progesterone is actually in an oil, so it's a very thick shot, with a very large (maybe a little exaggeration) needle.  Either way, it's thick and large and there's a lot of it, so you have to go slow.  Once again, my mom's nurse friend comes to my rescue and gives me my first progesterone shot.  I thought I was Wonder Woman- barely felt a thing!  I thought "Man, this is gonna be a piece of cake!"

Friday morning I woke up in quite a bit of pain.  I.  Felt.  Terrible.  Because I had so many eggs, my ovaries were stuck over and over again with a long needle, many times each.  Friday, I felt it.  I did absolutely nothing but lay on the couch on a heating pad, constantly taking Tylenol all day long.  This is where this adventure tries to get the best of me.  I'm hurting.  I'm mad.  I'm snappy.  I'm exhausted.  I'm sad.  I want to give up.  I want to stop everything and retreat.  Lucky for my husband, he was at work this day.  And, because he's amazing, he came home with ice cream for me that night.  It helped a little.  Saturday, I'm still in horrible pain.  I've read blogs and websites where they say the egg retrieval wasn't that bad.  Well, I'd like to think I'm pretty tough, and I don't care what they say.  I'm hurting and I'm angry.  Again, I spent the day on the couch, with a heating pad, with Tylenol.  And while I'm in misery, I still have to do my progesterone shots every evening between 5:00-7:00.  My mom's friend had gone on vacation, but luckily, one of my sweet best friends has showed up every day to do the honors.  Sunday, we missed church because I was still in so much pain.  Also, I had ran a low fever all weekend long.  I'm assuming this is from the combination of bodily exhaustion and trauma.  And by this day, my love handles are getting extremely sore and sensitive from that dang, thick progesterone.  And, to make things worse, life is spinning in circles right around us, while we're constantly at the doctor, at work (me, not so much- thank God for plenty of sick time), or laying on the couch, recovering from being at the doctor.  Our yard looked like a jungle.  I'm (for some ridiculous reason) taking two summer 2 classes which I had yet to start by the end of the first week, laundry's piled up, we're completely out of groceries, and I'm not well enough to do any of this.  I'm usually the one who takes care of these small things, since Justin's at work so much so he can provide for us.  Well, someone get my husband a cape!  He mowed our jungle Saturday night, helped me with tons of homework Sunday afternoon, did laundry, dishes, picked up the house, went grocery shopping- and even came back with flowers!!  That's why he's my Superman.  And, when my sweet friend Sara showed up to do my shot Sunday night, she came with presents and ice cream and a sweet card in tow!  Here I am, throwing myself a pity party, yet completely surrounded by amazing, caring, supportive people.  My cup runneth over.  Also, I did manage to spend a lot of quality time laying on the couch with my little nurse dog and a good book.  So, counting my blessings and not my problems.

And the best news...  Dr. Saleh called Friday to give us an update on our embryos, then again Sunday morning for one last update before the embryo transfer on Tuesday...  

We have 6 perfectly strong, healthy, mature embryos!!!  This means they'll implant two on Tuesday (tomorrow!!), and then we'll freeze the rest to use on another date.  Thank you, God.  And silly little me worried all weekend about them spilling the cup!  I kept saying "Justin, I just don't think I can make any more!  I just can't do this again!"  Now, hopefully, I won't have to.  

Everyone keeps asking us if we're excited.  It's hard to be "excited" when you're not in the safe zone yet.  We prefer cautiously optimistic.  I'm a positive, happy person.  We always look for and hope for the best.  But I'm not naive enough to think this is a guarantee for a child for us.  It's in God's hands, and I know His plan for us will forever be greater than our own.

So today, I praise Him that I'm starting to feel better.  I praise Him for this opportunity.  I praise Him for the amazing people in my life.  And I pray that His will is done, and that He gives us the patience, strength, wisdom, and resiliency to carry on, regardless of the outcome.

So, starting tomorrow afternoon, I may or may not be pregnant... for two weeks.  You would think we would get used to waiting by now...

ONE DOZEN GOOD EGGS!!!

I started my Follistim injections last Tuesday, July 1st.  This is the shot that I take each night to kick my ovaries into overdrive.  By Friday, the 4th of July, I was miserable.  I woke up heavy and sore and swollen and completely miserable.  I was off work that day for the holiday, so I went to meet Justin for lunch since he had to work.  By the time we were finished eating lunch, I felt awful so I came back home, took some Tylenol, and laid down, sad because I knew I didn't have the strength or energy to fight the crowds for our town's firework show that night.  Justin got off work around 8:30, picked me up around 9:00, and we drove (me in my pajamas and flip flops) a few miles down a country road not too far from our house and parked in the middle of a field, that just happened to give us the perfect view from the backside of our town's firework show.  Not another person or car in sight.  It was perfect.  <3

Over the weekend my ovaries continued to be hard at work.  I. Felt. Awful.  (and still do)  I could not wait until our appointment this morning, because I just felt "full of good eggs"!  Also, I was so ready for our appointment because I am so ready to get these things out of me!  My stomach and lower abdomen are so sore and swollen and I'm exhausted from being an egg factory.  

So we went to the doctor this morning, and like always, the first step is to take my blood.  I hate this part because my veins never want to participate.  After searching on my still bruised and sore right arm, she decides to test out my left arm.  Of course, no vein in sight.  So we resort back to my poor little vein on my poor little left hand.  This vein's been a trooper.  This is the most easily accessible spot, so it's constantly being used.  Finally, blood work= done.  Next, we go back in our little room to get ready and wait for the doctor.  I throw all shame out the window once again, and crawl up on the tiny table in nothing but my shirt and paper blanket.  This used to be awkward.  Many, many visits ago.  Dr. Saleh comes in and starts the ultrasound.  He goes back and forth checking and measuring, checking and measuring.  He seems excited.  Finally he says "12 good eggs!  No wonder you're so sore and tired!"  In less than a week's time, I have created one dozen good eggs.  And I feel it.  And I'm exhausted.  But now, I'm excited!  Let's extract these suckers!!!  Next he measured my uterus lining which needs to be around a 9.  Mine's a 12.  Finally, something I'm good at- creating eggs and a thick uterus lining.  He's excited, we're excited!!  My estrogen levels are good, right where they need to be.  This is the point we've been working so hard to get to.  This is the part of the ride where the roller coaster (that you waited so long in line to get on), has finally, clicked-clicked-clicked, slowly, all the way to the top of the first, largest hill... and now... it drops.  Quickly.  

 (last Follistim shot!!!)

• We do our last Follistim shot tonight (praise God!).  
• We go back tomorrow to check eggs and estrogen one more time.
• Tomorrow night I'll do my trigger shot, which is an unfriendly long needle, in my hip, to get my eggs ready to be released.  Justin will be at work and this shot has to be done at exactly 10:30pm, and I can't give it to myself.  Thank God, my mom's nurse friend will be doing the honors tomorrow night.  (-mental note made to make her cookies)
• Thursday, July 10th- egg retrieval scheduled for 8:15am.  Like with the cyst, they'll put me to sleep and use a long needle to extract the eggs from my ovaries.  I used to be terrified of this part.  Now, the time can't come soon enough.  I want these eggs out!!!  They'll also get Justin's sample on this date, then they'll combine everything in the lab and let it grow over the weekend.
• Friday- bed rest.
• Tuesday, July 15th- embryo transfer day.  Dr. Saleh will use a catheter to place the two best embryos back in my uterus.  
• Wednesday, July 16th- bed rest.  
• Then, we wait.  And pray.  For two weeks. 

A Golden Egg Factory...

I went to the doctor yesterday for my first intra lipid infusion.  The intra lipids are a soy and egg yolk based milky product in an IV bag that just drip into your system for a little over an hour, and they help suppress the Natural Killer Cells.  Each infusion is about 2,000 calories!!!  Holy moly!  That's almost double of my normal daily consumption!  And afterwards, I was still hungry!  But, the infusion itself went well.  My right arm was sore and bruised up from blood work on Monday, so they couldn't get a vein on that arm.  They tested my left arm, but of course, no signs of my veins.  So the nurse had to use the tiny vein on my tiny left hand.  I'm worried about all the needle sticks in all of my veins.  They're getting sore and sensitive and I don't blame them one bit for hiding.  But, she was able to successfully get the IV in my hand, so then I just curled up with my blanket and book for the next hour, until my IV bag dripped dry.  No big deal, no side effects.  Afterwards, I felt good enough to hit up Kirkland's big semi-annual sale on the way home!  I'll do another infusion around the time of the egg retrieval and then another around the time they put the eggs back in.

I started my Follistim shots a few days ago now.  I inject 225 units each night, but tonight I lower it to 150 units.  Follistim is a VERY expensive drug that stimulates the ovaries to mass produce eggs.  The needle is tiny, but the shot is somewhat painful.  I try not to complain because I know worse shots are coming.  But still, the shot burns for at least 10-15 minutes and then makes me feel shaky and sweaty for a good 30 minutes afterwards.  So, my nightly routine is to get ready for bed, take care of our little herd of fur babies, pour me a glass of cold iced tea, give myself the shot around 9:30, then force myself to just sit and relax for the next 30 minutes to an hour before going to sleep.  I'm normally such a busy person, I usually don't sit and watch t.v.  My normal routine includes working full time, lots of homework because I'm 7 classes away from my bachelor's degree, working out, playing with our 3 sweet baby dogs, taking care of housework, and anything else I can find to be busy and productive throughout the day.  I love being busy.  And I love working out because it's such a huge stress reliever!  Well, since my body and pocket book are working hard over time trying to mass produce eggs, I'm not allowed to be busy.  I'm not allowed to work out.  I'm really just supposed to be taking it "easy" during this time, which is driving me crazy!!!  Before we started our IVF cycle, I had really started eating healthier and stepping up my workout routine and ended up losing about 10 lbs in the past couple of months.  Now, between the steroids and the Follistim, I cannot get un-hungry!  I can get full, but I still feel hungry!  It's ridiculous!  I stepped on the scale this morning, thinking that for sure I've already gained back all 10 pounds, but to my surprise, only 2.5.  After all the work me and my ovaries and my hormones are doing, I'm ok with that.  

My belly is swollen from injections.  My lower abdomen is swollen from overstimulated ovaries.  I feel my ovaries working hard.  They feel about the size of cantaloupes.  Today, I am sore and bruised and swollen and bloated and puffy.  And I still have at the very least, 4 days left of making these precious little golden eggs.  

We go back to the doctor Monday, July 7th to do another ultrasound and test my estrogen levels to see if we've reached that perfect point yet to start the egg retrieval.  Each appointment is so stressful and nerve racking.  The smallest unplanned event could cause us to have to cancel our whole cycle, wait for the meds to leave my body, and then pay for new meds and start the process all over again in a couple of months.  This is a worry that is forever on my mind, and all we can do is pray for the best and pray for strength and trust that He has a plan much greater than ours.

 (my daily breakfast)

This journey started when I met my husband almost five years ago.  The desire to be a mother, however, started from my very first baby doll 30 years ago.  It's a desire that doesn't go away, and only gets stronger with time.  IVF is such an emotionally, physically, and financially exhausting adventure.  You never know what your body is going to do regardless of all the plans you lay out on paper.  You think you have enough money saved up, then, because your body doesn't do exactly what you want it to do, there's unexpected expense on top of unexpected expense.  One day you feel positive and like you can conquer anything, then the next day you wake up angry just knowing you have several injections waiting for you to get out of bed.  But you do it all anyways.  Like a boss.  Like the fighter that you are.

Could be better, could be worse!

First off, I would like to apologize for my lack of blogging lately…  I’ve been laying on a beach in Florida for the past week!!!

 

So, to catch up, I started my meds on June 19^th.  The night before my first Lupron injection, I was so nervous, I couldn’t sleep!  I woke up early that morning, watched the “How to” video a couple of times, followed step by step, and injected the little, tiny needle in my belly.  Didn’t feel a thing.  Good.  In typical Krystal fashion, I had worked myself up for nothing.  I’ve been taking birth control pills, prenatal vitamins, steroids, and Lupron now for the past couple of weeks, and I’ve been very blessed to not really have any major side effects.  My most noticeable side effect is a fuzzy brain!  It’s so crazy, but I (someone who’s usually very organized and remembers everything) have not been able to think clearly for the past few weeks.  I can’t remember where I put things, I can’t think clearly at all, and I even left my house one morning in my house shoes.  I ended up making a checklist of my daily meds, so I wouldn’t have to worry about forgetting what I had taken and/or when I had taken it.  Oh, and I did have one little hot flash while making muffins one morning.  Everything was fine one moment, then the next, I felt like ripping my shirt off like the Hulk and crawling into the A/C unit.  But other than that, I’ve been very blessed to have felt as good as I’ve felt. 

 

I was worried that I would feel bad while we were on vacation.  We spent last week in Destin, Florida and had such an amazing time!  We soaked up some Florida sun, boogie boarded and snorkeled in the ocean, ate too much delicious food, and went on a dolphin and fireworks cruise.  I had no problems keeping my Lupron nice and cool in a little insulated lunch box and/or hotel fridge, and although I did have to do a few injections in the car (usually in a fast food parking lot) overall everything went very well.  Vacation= success!!!

 

I stopped my birth control on Tuesday, June 24^th.  I also decreased my Lupron from 10 units to 5 units last week.  The fuzziness in my brain seems to be clearing a little more.  Still no more hot flashes.  We went to the doctor on Monday, June 30^th for an ultrasound and blood work.  Great news!  No cysts, ovaries and uterus look good, and hormone levels are where they need to be!!!  We get the green light to continue on!

 

Follistim-  I started my Follistim shots last night.  The needle for this shot is still a tiny, non-painful needle.  The medicine though is about the price of gold and burned for about 10 minutes like injecting Louisiana hot sauce.  Still, could be worse.  I’ll add this shot to my daily routine for at least the next week, in order to mass produce eggs.  This is the shot that can make my belly sore and swollen from overstimulation of the ovaries. 

 

Although at this point we’re only 14 shots in (I swear it feels like so much more!) my belly has started getting a little sore and bruised and swollen.  My arm looks all bruised up from so much blood work.  And we’re nowhere near the end.  But, it could be worse.  I just continue to praise God daily that I still feel as well as I do.  I praise Him that we had such a relaxing, stress free vacation.  I praise Him that my medicine doses are much lower than many others that have much more severe infertility problems than me.  I praise Him that He’s blessed us to be able to afford this opportunity.  And I praise Him for such a sweet, smart, funny, selfless husband to hold my hand the whole way, reassuring me that no matter what, we’re in this together and we’ll be ok.

 

 

 

 

 

 



Tomorrow- first intra lipid infusion to shut down those Natural Killer Cells.