First off, I would like to apologize for it being so long since I've last updated my blog. You see, we've been a little busy this past year.
I'll start off by saying besides being busy, I haven't written a new post because, try as I may, I will never be able to successfully formulate a story that does any kind of justice to the miracles God has been performing in our lives lately. Miracles beyond anything we could ever imagine. I knew my God had a plan. I knew He was faithful and for us. I knew my faith could move mountains. But never in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined how phenomenal His plan for us would be. I guess we'll start off where I left off...
Friday, July 25th. That horrible, heartbreaking day. We received the phone call from our doctor's office letting us know that our in vitro was not successful. And our world shattered. Those 10 days were the closest I have ever been to being pregnant. Those 10 days I had to believe I was pregnant. And that phone call changed our lives forever. That unwanted phone call would end up turning our sails in a whole new direction. But in the mean time, we grieved. We were crushed and broken. After about an hour of sobbing, we had to get out. So we drove. And we cried. And we kept driving. We turned our phones off, because we were too broken and devastated to talk to any of our family members who were calling, excited to find out the news. My mom knew though. I hadn't talked to her, but I know she knew. I know she felt it, and then that feeling was reaffirmed by no phone call from me. And I know her heart shattered just as ours had. Justin and I drove forever that day, no destination in mind. But finally, we had to come home and face our truth and try to cope with our grief. Justin and Sophie tried their hardest to cheer me up and comfort me. But I was broken. Then poor Justin had to make the phone calls to the family. And although our circumstances have drastically changed since then, our lost embryos we worked so hard to create will forever be loved and mourned. That was the closest we'll ever come to creating children, and those embryos will forever be ours, forever be lost, and forever be mourned.
About a week after we received the news, one of my best friends from school whom I hadn't talked to lately had contacted my dad and asked to have me contact her. I finally called her on the way home from work a few days later. One of the first things she says is "So... I have a friend who's pregnant... with twins... and she wants to know if y'all would be interested in adopting them?!" She was so excited. I was in complete shock. I'm not even sure if I responded, but she excitedly continued on... "So, do you want to know what she's having?! A BOY and a GIRL!!!" She was way more excited than I could allow myself to be at this point. I just couldn't comprehend what was happening. Then she informed me that they were due around October. And this was already August. Even typing this out, this story still sounds crazy to me. I didn't know what to do. At this point, I didn't know what God wanted us to do. So I sat on this info for a few days. I had ended the phone call saying that I would talk to Justin and see what he says and get back with her. I just couldn't believe that this was legit. For a few days I kept this info to myself, and I prayed. A lot. At this point, I only wanted to go down the path that God wanted me to go down. I didn't want to desperately (and insanely) search for a baby. The only problem was that I had no idea what God wanted me to do. So a few days later, I told Justin. And he says "Ok. Let's meet her." Just like that. He never put a second thought into it. A day or two after I mentioned it to him, I nonchalantly mentioned it to my mom. Her response was "Oh, my gosh. TWINS?!?!" But my two most trusted and leaned on sources in life never questioned the scenario or told me not to look into it. So we did.
We arranged through our mutual friend, a place and time to meet. We were so extremely nervous. And then she didn't show up. Which really made us doubt the situation even more. She apologized and said she wasn't able to make it, so we set up a different day and time for us to meet. Justin had to work that day, so it was just me, her, and our mutual friend all heading to meet at a Starbucks in Mesquite. I was sooooo incredibly nervous. I had my A/C on full blast, but sweat all the way there. I was so nervous and worried about what she would think of me. This was only a couple of weeks after our in vitro ended, so I was still very much sore, swollen, bloated, heartbroken, and leaning towards the glass being half empty. But she showed up. And I remember my very first thought when I saw her "She's so beautiful." Now I look back and think "That's a silly, superficial first thought", but she was. And then I thought "This woman could be the mother of my children." It was all so very new and strange, uncharted territory. Actually for both of us. But we connected right away, and I was very surprised at how comfortable I was with her. She told me that the father was no longer involved and that she wanted these babies to go to a loving home that could provide so much more for them than she would be able to since she already had two young children to provide for. She asked about me and Justin and said she had read my blog and she would love for us to be the parents to her twins. As much as I wanted to jump for joy, I was terrified. I was absolutely a million times more terrified now than ever of getting my hopes up since our loss from our in vitro. I was still healing and grieving and so fragile at this point. But I said "Yes".
Neither of us knew anything about the adoption process, but neither of us wanted to deal with an agency and the lengthy, expensive process of going through an agency, so I told her I would contact an attorney and find out what we needed to do. I contacted an attorney in Greenville, left a voice mail, and said a prayer that if this wasn't God's will for us, then don't let the attorney call me back. The next morning I received a phone call back. He was so incredibly nice and helpful and happy for us. He gave me all the information we needed and all the steps we needed to take. And told me if the babies were coming in October, then we needed to hurry!
(my calendar on my desk at work)
The next two months were a whirlwind. And every single morning I would pray that if this wasn't the path God wanted us to go down, then I would ask for Him to stop it. But every day, we got one step closer, without any complications whatsoever.
We paid the attorney, had background checks done, and started preparing our house for a home study. When we got married we bought a very old house that we've been working on ourselves over the past few years. Well, now we had about a month to get the interior finished! We completely gutted the bathroom and put up new sheet rock, texture, paint, trim, tub, toilet, sink, flooring, did lots of touch-up painting throughout the house, installed carpet and baseboards, and baby proofed the whole house. Then we had to set up the nursery. For two babies that technically weren't ours yet. With the help of family and friends, we were able to get the inside of the house finished. We had a social worker come over and do a home study, and everything went well. Another step closer.
Then one day on the way to work Justin was rear-ended, which shoved his small truck into the vehicle in front of him. It's amazing how some things are just blessings in disguise. Thankfully he wasn't hurt. And because of two babies on the way, we had already began saving up a down payment for a new bigger truck for him. Well, with our down payment plus the check from the ladies' insurance, we were able to get him his very first brand new vehicle- a four door Ford F-150.
Also, during this madness of trying to get everything ready for the possibility of an adoption of newborn twins, I had a tiny spot on my nose that ended up being skin cancer. It wasn't the deadly kind, but I still had to have a pretty serious surgery in order to get rid of it. The surgery was at the beginning of October and consisted of having a large chunk of skin cut off of the end of my nose, then a skin graph taken from behind my right ear to fill in my nose. It was an extremely painful procedure that required lots of stitches and 6 weeks worth of wearing a bandage on my nose. But thank God we caught it in time, and we were able to get it taken care of before babies arrived.
I also need to tell you that only a handful of people knew that we were looking into this adoption. Because we were still so heartbroken from our in vitro, we didn't possess the physical or emotional energy necessary to be excited and shout it from the roof tops that we were adopting. We were completely terrified. In her defense, the birth mother never gave us any indications that we would have anything to worry about. I formed a relationship with her and very quickly felt extremely comfortable with her, to the point that she seemed like a family member I had known for years. She kept us updated on her and the babies every time she had a doctor's appointment. She also sent me sonogram pictures. But that didn't make it any easier for two freshly wounded soldiers to head right on back into battle. I was terrified, I was exhausted, I was in pain from my nose surgery, still recovering and healing from in vitro, and I had nothing left. And we still had to do a baby registry for our baby shower... that we would only have if all goes well with the adoption. In the state of Texas, a birth mother cannot sign over her rights until 48 hours after giving birth. So we could never have an official guarantee of the adoption until after the babies were born. Yet we had to prepare for them anyways. But hold on to receipts in case it didn't work out. Which was such a horrible emotional roller coaster for us. We couldn't be those parents that happily shopped and registered for their soon to be here babies. We were the couple that had just lost the closest form of babies they had ever had, but now had potential babies in the works, but not official yet. We were a mess. It was awful. We tried so hard to be excited. But we just couldn't commit 100 percent. So we registered. We set up a nursery. We bought a few items. And we only had a handful of baby supplies when the babies were born.
Thursday, October 30th. I knew she had a doctor's appointment that day. And she had a C-section scheduled for the next week on November 6th, Justin's birthday. So you can only imagine my surprise when she texted me around 3:30 that afternoon saying that she was dilated to a 4 and that they were preparing to do a C-section that evening. Everything went a little blurry after that. I ran to my boss's office and muttered something about babies coming and had to go, then I jumped in my car and started heading home. Justin just happened to be off work that day, so he was able to get everything together by the time I got home. We threw the most random stuff in his truck, jumped in it, and headed to my mom's to drop off our little Sophie dog. The hospital was in Dallas and about an hour away. We were making good timing, until we got on 635 right in the middle of the 5:00 rush hour traffic. It took us about 45 minutes to cover the last 3 miles right before we got to the hospital. And while we were on the way, we received a text from her "They're here!" I read it to Justin, and I still giggle at his response "Who's here?!" I'm pretty sure we shouted every word of every conversation from the excitement on the way to the hospital. The babies had arrived. Baby A- a boy, at 5:15 pm, weighing 4 lbs 13 ounces and 17 1/2" long. Baby B- a girl, arrived at 5:16 pm, weighing 4 lbs 15 ounces and 17 1/2" long. Small, but perfectly healthy. Babies and birth mom were all doing great. They were born at Presbyterian Hospital in Dallas, and the hospital actually had two NICU teams in the delivery room awaiting their arrival. Fortunately, both babies arrived perfectly strong and healthy and neither had to go to the NICU. Extra large preemies is what the hospital had called them. When we arrived at the hospital a few minutes after they were born, they immediately took us back to the room with the birth mother and babies. And it's still pretty much a blur to me. Every single emotion in my being was running at one hundred miles per hour. But there they were. So tiny, so perfect. And the birth mother immediately said "Go look at your babies."
Baby A- Benjamin Case Sutton, born at 5:15 pm on 10/30/14, 4.13 lbs, 17 1/2" long. Oh, so perfect and handsome. (Although he did somewhat resemble a little old man when he was born!)
Baby B- Emma Wren Sutton, born at 5:16 pm on 10/30/14, 4.15 lbs, 17 1/2" long. Absolutely beautiful and completely perfect.
We stayed at the hospital all day until somewhere around midnight. We drove home, tried to sleep for a few hours, then got up early the next morning and went back. Because we were still waiting for our 48 hour time frame before she could sign any papers, we had asked family not to come up there yet. But that Friday afternoon Justin had to go to work. And I had to stay at the hospital all by myself. And the closer we got to 48 hours after birth, the more nervous and anxious and stressed and emotional I became. And when I walked down to the parking lot to tell him bye, I completely lost it. He was the only strength I had left. I was no longer standing on my own; he was carrying me. And I thought there was absolutely no way I would be able to survive this day without him. So we called my mom at work, and I asked her to come to the hospital. An hour away and in Dallas traffic- which us small town girls DO NOT do! But she came. She immediately came. And she spent the day at the hospital with me and the birth mother.
The babies' birth mother- We had grown so extremely close in the very short time that we knew each other. She was incredible, beautiful, strong, funny, intelligent, courageous, loving, and made the ultimate sacrifice for her babies. She was younger than me, but mature for her age. The first time Justin actually met her was at the hospital. And they immediately connected. And in so many ways, she was like me. And in certain ways, we resembled each other. She had recently lost her mother to cancer, but she wanted to meet my mother. And my mother was so much like hers and even looked very similar to her mother. Although the birth father was no longer involved, we saw a picture of him. And he looked so much like Justin. By this time, we knew that this was completely God's doing. We knew God's plan for our lives, His plan for us to become parents, was happening right in front of our very eyes, with little to no effort from us at all. There was no denying that this was His will for all of us. Not only were our dreams coming true of becoming parents, but God provided a means for the birth mother to have a happy, loving home for her twins to go to, so that she could be the best parent possible to her two children waiting for her at home.
My mama stayed with me all day at the hospital that Friday, then Justin came back to the hospital after work that night. We stayed late, went home, and got up the next day, preparing to head back to the hospital. This was THE day. This was the moment of truth. Then I received a text from the birth mother that her two witnesses for the signing were unable to make it due to work issues. Our attorney and a notary were meeting us that afternoon at the hospital. And two witnesses were needed for her signing. And no one was available for any of us. We spent that morning calling so many people. She couldn't get ahold of anyone, and we couldn't use our family. Finally, we were able to get a couple of friends of ours to come up there. One of them, fresh out of the middle of the hunting field. Dressed head to toe in camo. Because it was deer season. But he still came. We will forever be grateful for these two guys, goofy as they were, for taking time out of their busy schedules to be a part of helping our dreams come true.
The attorney, the notary, and the two witnesses showed up and went in the birth mother's hospital room. Justin and I waited outside. I have to stress that as emotional and stressed as we were, I never ever felt like she wouldn't sign the papers. I was terrified and in turmoil waiting for her to sign the papers, but I never felt as if she wouldn't. I had received a copy of the termination of rights, and I had read it ahead of time, and I knew how very detailed it was. And it was awful. I could not imagine the emotions going through her while going over it. My heart broke for her. And while we were waiting, nurses had to rush to her room because she was hyperventilating. But I still never felt like she wouldn't sign the papers. But we couldn't help but be fearful and hurt for her, and we couldn't help but be fearful and hurt for ourselves. And in the middle of everything she was going through and everything she was dealing with, she sent a nurse out to tell us not to worry and she'll be ok and she's not backing out. But still, my heart broke for her.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, but really I don't think it was very long, our attorney stepped out of her hospital room and gave us a thumbs up. Everything was signed. The birth father never sought custody, so his rights were immediately terminated. These babies were officially ours. And I broke down. And I exhaled for what seemed like the very first time in five years and fell into Justin's arms and sobbed. Five years of surgeries, fertility treatments, praying, hoping, preparing our fields, in vitro, heart ache, saving, wanting, and almost giving up. Now we had two. A boy and a girl.
Four days after birth we were able to bring the babies home. I remember getting up early, and while driving to the hospital, holding hands, we looked across an open field at the morning sun resting on the horizon. It was beautiful. And I know we were thinking the exact same thing. And Justin quietly said "Take it all in." From this day forward, we would be parents.
But it still hadn't all sank in, and it still didn't feel real. And that day that should have been the happiest day of our lives, was also one of the saddest days of our lives. Our heart broke for their birth mother. Although it's official, although it's something you've wanted for so long, it still takes your emotions and feelings time to catch up. And that afternoon when we left that hospital with these two tiny babies, I felt like we were taking someone else's babies. And my heart shattered for her. It was the worst feeling in the world. And I cried all the way home for her. And I struggled, and at times still struggle with the fact that our joy and happiness came at the expense of someone else. If you have never been in that situation, there is no way to ever fully understand the extent of the emotions involved. I ached for her with my whole entire being. For a very long time.
But now she's back home with her precious children. And thanks to her, we're home with ours. Because everything went so (abnormally) smooth during the whole adoption process, we were able to finalize everything in court two and a half weeks after they were born. November 19th, 2014 Benjamin Case Sutton and Emma Wren Sutton became officially ours. And life as we knew it would never be the same.
